Sunday 26 September 2010

Some of that good safe lovin'.

Google Image search result for 'JLS Durex'.

So it seems that popular teen beat combo JLS have teamed up with Durex to release their own brand of JLS-themed condoms. Yes, that's right; you, I, we are living in a society where you can walk into Superdrug and exchange actual money for boy-band branded prophylactics. I'm past the point of surprise over this sort of thing - other products with unlikely celebrity endorsements include David Beckham and fish fingers, Jackie Chan for Woolworths and, most damningly of all, Iggy Pop hawking car insurance. That last one made want to lie down and weep for the world that once was; by comparison JLS rubbers are a walk in the metaphorical park. It is a bit strange though, wandering along the aisles and seeing the lads staring out at you from the front of a packet of three.

I was secretly hoping that each condom would have a picture of the relevant JLSer's face on the end for comedy effect. Or, even better, a full body shot along the entire length - with a bit of practice and a degree of muscle control you could have the little fella grooving and body popping like nobody's business. Then you could get together with three mates and re-enact one of the band's signature dance routines while your mum films it for Youtube. Best. Tuesday evening. Ever.

Alas, it is not to be. The condoms themselves are pretty standard, described on the Durex website as 'slightly thicker' (a prime example of a joke writing itself) with 'extra lubrication' (and I've already drawn a couple of slightly grotty conclusions from that that I'll be keeping quiet for now). The main point of difference is that each condom comes in the chosen colour of the relevant band member - blue, yellow, red or green. I'm not a fan of coloured condoms; the male member looks ridiculous enough at the best of times without it being green. So what criteria would you use for picking your JLS johnny? Would you pick your favourite band member? That's a bit of a weird tribute. Would you pick her favourite band member, in the hope that some of their life force, their JLessence if you will, rubs off and makes you more like him in the sack? You know she's probably thinking of him the whole time anyway, so why not try to make her happy? You do want to make her happy, don't you? Of course you do. So put on the green condom and pretend you're in JLS.

I've been trying to come up with other cross-promotional musician/birth control link ups, with little success. My best one so far is 'Pulling out and jizzing all over her boobs - in association with Motley Crue!', which is pretty distasteful. And that, my friends, is why I'm not in advertising.

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