Democracy in Action.

I'm going to use it to intimidate you at the polling station. Like in Iraq.

I'll keep this brief because we all know why we're here - voting on my nom de cock is now officially begun. Since opening a big can of pester on your collective asses I've been inundated with suggestions of varying quality and appropriatenes; Glyn and I went through them and the pick of the bunch can be found above, so look to your right and vote ye. Multiple votes are permitted.

I'm dimly aware that a prize was mentioned but unfortunately I have no clue what form said prize will take - possibly a guest of honour spot at the celebrity gala unveiling where I wipe it down the red carpet. Maybe. I'm working on it. But heartfelt, gushing thanks to all those who suggested names; if yours hasn't been shortlisted then you can take consolation in the knowledge that it's probably because it was rubbish. Power to the people!

Look, just think of some names or the puppy gets it.

Bonzo is saddened by your continued antipathy toward my penis and its lack of a name. Look at him. Just you look at him. You did this. His misery is on your head, you unspeakable cunt.

Well, you've had nearly a week and the response to my competition has been nothing short of completely underwhelming. I've had a grand total of two suggestions, which will be dissected in further detail below. It's almost as if you don't care about my penis, as if you had better things to think about. I know that's not true, so what's the freakin' problem, people? This just makes me glad that I didn't go with my original penis competition idea, which was to have you all try to come up with a theme tune for it. Anyway, here are the nominations so far. You bastards.

1: Clive. Suggested by: Stella.
As far as I can tell, Stella came up with this one off the top of her head. The big drawback from my point of view is that I have an uncle Clive and I believe that in some cultures naming your wang after a relative can get you stoned to death. Calling my penis Clive would make it difficult for me to look either of them in the eye again. Sir Clive, on the other hand... now that's a different matter.

2. Mr In-My-Pants. Suggested by: Kim's flatmate.
Now this one I quite like. Kim's flatmate (I don't know your name, but thanks for taking the time) has come up with a cheeky little number that doubles as a pun on Mr Splashy Pants, the Greenpeace whale. Actually, Mr Splashy Pants wouldn't be a bad name itself, if only it wasn't taken. Eerily accurate, too. But Mr In-My-Pants has a nice Red Indian ring to it that I find appealing... like 'Gets-Caught-In-Gussett' or 'Pokes-Woman-In-Small-Of-Back-As-Sun-Rises'. Although, as to that last one, chance would be a fine bloody thing.

All I'll say is this: there's a little girl out there who loves Bonzo very much and if I don't see some co-operation very soon he'll be going back to her in a fucking jam jar. I'll even include my email address so you don't have to dick about with the comments thing:

blackcountrybloke@hotmail.com

You dig?

Competition Time!

How about 'Optimus Wang'? That's not bad.

The premise is simple - it's just occurred to me that, despite the commonly-received wisdom that all men have a pet name for their penis, my own member remains nameless. Anonymous. I think that's a shame so I'm throwing it open to you, the general public, to decide on a moniker. Submit your ideas and the winner will win.. something, I haven't decided what yet.

'The Defoliator', perhaps... or is that just unnerving?

Some of you might think that this is a bit weird. IT IS NOT WEIRD. I'm genuinely interested in hearing what you come up with. This is what happens when you haven't updated for a while and feel like you really should but can't think of anything.

Err... let's just back slowly away from that idea. Although it might, alas, be closest to the truth.

I mean it. I know there's only four of you out there but I'm deadly serious. If you're on facebook or something then get all your 'friends' to join in. It'll be put to a vote, which I will abide by. Forever. So get creative. My cock is, metaphorically, in your hands.

Just to reiterate: NOT WEIRD.