This week Pete's eye has been caught by...

....this story about the Singaporean government banning the Xbox game Mass Effect because it features a lesbian kiss between a woman and an alien. Gameheads all over the globe have been up in arms about censorship, civil rights and so forth but I was more concerned about the implications for...

So... do you come here often?

...Captain Kirk. After all, the good captain spent the better part of the sixties cruising around the galaxy looking for - and enjoying a great deal of success with - alien snatch. I'm guessing that Singapore won't be used as a location on that new Star Trek movie they're making, lest Jim's habit of having his dirty way with absolutely any organism, be it animal, vegetable or mineral, finds him landed in chokey.

He's even making me a little bit moist.

But come on; what's an alien girl to do? Although I should probably point out that a) it was the lesbian thing that was the problem, not the alien thing and b) the ban has since been lifted. But this is the internet; since when did facts matter a damn?

And while we're on the subject of forbidden love, this frankly unbelievable story about a man who was caught having sex with a bicycle has had me scratching my head for a couple of days now. The logistics of it are completely beyond me. How? How??? The only creditable theory I've heard is that he was penetrating himself with one of the handlebars, and if that sort of thing is your bag then surely there are easier ways to go about it? If it's a bit of arse action you're looking for then why go to the trouble of booking yourself and your bicycle into a hotel room when they make dildos and vibrators specifically designed for the purpose? So that can't be it. It's a puzzler and no mistake.

There are some slightly worrying implications here, though; the guy was alone in a locked room and only got discovered when the cleaners used a master key and let themselves in. He's now been charged with sexually aggravated breach of the peace and been placed on the sex offenders register; that's right, it is now possible to commit a breach of the peace on your own from inside a locked hotel room. From a civil liberties point of view that's really not a good thing. Piss funny, though... and what a visionary! He looked at a bike and, where a more boring man would have seen a simple method of sustainable transport, instead saw a potential shag and bed partner. Amazing. Let's face it; the bloke is a sexual astronaut.

Finally, some of you may have seen trailers and adverts for a movie called Shrooms; it's your standard teen horror flick with the extra gimmick that all the characters are ripped to the tits on mushys. It is, by all accounts, toss. I saw a poster for it the other day that, as usual, featured a standard review quote, in this case: 'It's like Blair Witch on acid!'

Many people have pointed out that 'it's like... on acid!' is used by lazy journos as a way of saying that something is surreal,wacky, off the wall or whatever. There doesn't seem to be any way of preventing it. But I can't help feeling that in this case just a little bit of extra thought might have made all the difference. Maybe there's another drug that could have been substituted for acid, something more pertinent to the movie, that would have differentiated this particular review from the thousands upon thousands of indentikit write ups that fill magazine space and contribute absolutely nothing to anyone's understanding of, well, anything? Whatever could it be? Hmmmm. It's on the tip of my tongue... give me a minute....

Nearly there...