I Hate It Here: Babies: not to be trusted.

I've never been a great fan of kids. They're smelly, they're noisy and they require far more attention than I'm prepared to give out. People who have them witter on about them at great and wearying length, to the exclusion of everything else, and you're not allowed to say that you don't give one flying toss about the drooling, slap-headed little bastard or how close it is to saying its first word. Having children leads to ugly, frenzied competitive parenting, a desire to own a monster truck sized SUV and sore nipples. I daresay I'll change my tune once I've settled down and got married and shit but right now the attraction really is beyond me. But that's the thing; once you've had a kid your brain rewires itself, flips you over into Parent Mode and you are literally not the same person that you were before. That alone is enough to put me off, and I reserve a special dislike for babies. Have a look at this one:

You know who that is? That's right: it's HITLER. Who knew that this harmless little bundle of joy would turn into the twentieth century's most expansively insane genocidal madman, the biggest bastard in a century of bastards? No-one, and that's the problem. You just can't tell. These days when I see a baby all I can think of are the countless nightmarish futures that spin around this little person, the horrors that they could grow up to perpetrate on the world. Fair enough, not every baby is going to grow up to be Hitler but there are a myriad of other ways it could all go tits up. What about that bloke who invented the Crazy Frog? He was a baby once. Now you tell me I don't have at least half a point.

And yes, I do realise that it's just as likely that a baby might grow up and find the cure for cancer, or write the most brilliant symphony ever devised by a human brain, or maybe just become a normal, decent, caring person. But if you're late to the party I should point out that I'm not an optimist and my gaze stays firmly fixed on the inevitable downside. One of these days I'm going to tell you all about how I reckon my own future will pan out and you're going to need a stiff drink after that one; I know I will. But that's another story - for now we'll just say that babies can fuck off because, quite frankly, they're making me nervous.