Leatherface Vs Norman Bates
For this historic first round both fighters are dressed in their finest fightin' gear: Norman
Ba
tes looks absolutely ravishing in his mother's floral print dress, carrying a pleasing hint of lavender and old ladies on the breeze, while Thomas 'Leatherface' Hewitt looks equally fetching in his mother's, er... skin. The two combatants circle each other warily... Bates is hoping to maneuver Leatherface into a position that will allow him to use his famous 'push them down the stairs' finishing move... Oh, and Leatherface has killed him! He has literally killed him dead with one swipe of his mighty sledgehammer! Bates didn't even have time to cry for his Mummy before Leatherface came out of nowhere with a skull-splintering death blow. And what's that? Yes, it looks like Leatherface is chainsawing and peeing on Bates' corpse. That's bad news for Bates but great news for sport. I'm coming, Mother!
Ba
tes looks absolutely ravishing in his mother's floral print dress, carrying a pleasing hint of lavender and old ladies on the breeze, while Thomas 'Leatherface' Hewitt looks equally fetching in his mother's, er... skin. The two combatants circle each other warily... Bates is hoping to maneuver Leatherface into a position that will allow him to use his famous 'push them down the stairs' finishing move... Oh, and Leatherface has killed him! He has literally killed him dead with one swipe of his mighty sledgehammer! Bates didn't even have time to cry for his Mummy before Leatherface came out of nowhere with a skull-splintering death blow. And what's that? Yes, it looks like Leatherface is chainsawing and peeing on Bates' corpse. That's bad news for Bates but great news for sport. I'm coming, Mother!Jason Voorhees Vs Michael Myers
After the three h
our mark the inherent difficulties of a fight to the death between two 
immortal, homicidal behemoths become clear. Jason impales Myers on his machete; Myers responds by dropping Jason off a cliff. Jason counteracts this clever gambit by electrocuting Myers on some pylons; Myers pushes Jason in front of an oncoming train. This goes on for many hours, to the detriment of the competition's spectacle; again and again the apparent victor walks away until... yes, he's getting up again. So, with public interest waning and our sponsors becoming skittish, a coin is flipped and Myers comes out on top! A popular result, because personally I've always loved Wayne's World. On to the next round!
our mark the inherent difficulties of a fight to the death between two 
immortal, homicidal behemoths become clear. Jason impales Myers on his machete; Myers responds by dropping Jason off a cliff. Jason counteracts this clever gambit by electrocuting Myers on some pylons; Myers pushes Jason in front of an oncoming train. This goes on for many hours, to the detriment of the competition's spectacle; again and again the apparent victor walks away until... yes, he's getting up again. So, with public interest waning and our sponsors becoming skittish, a coin is flipped and Myers comes out on top! A popular result, because personally I've always loved Wayne's World. On to the next round!Pinhead Vs Freddy Krueger
A difficult one to c
all, this; uber-kinky bondage demon Pinhead takes on barbecued
pederast Krueger in one of the most hotly contested battles of this whole entire waste of everyone's precious time. In a fight like this it comes down to who wants it more, and here it looks like Pinhead might have the advantage; Freddy is in it for shits, giggles and maybe a free tube of Savlon whereas Pinhead is in it purely to provide new and interesting sensations for his exquisitely-shaved balls - which, incidentally, also have pins in them. Plus, Freddy is really only effective against opponents who are asleep. And Pinhead's got all those whips and magic chains and whatnot. I'm going with Pinhead.
all, this; uber-kinky bondage demon Pinhead takes on barbecued
pederast Krueger in one of the most hotly contested battles of this whole entire waste of everyone's precious time. In a fight like this it comes down to who wants it more, and here it looks like Pinhead might have the advantage; Freddy is in it for shits, giggles and maybe a free tube of Savlon whereas Pinhead is in it purely to provide new and interesting sensations for his exquisitely-shaved balls - which, incidentally, also have pins in them. Plus, Freddy is really only effective against opponents who are asleep. And Pinhead's got all those whips and magic chains and whatnot. I'm going with Pinhead.Brundlefly Vs The Thing
No contest h
ere in our special 'freakish mistake of nature' category. Seth 'Brundlefly' Br
undle is a silly scientist man who accidentally gets his DNA discombobulated and mixed with that of a common housefly, while the Thing is a nightmarish beast from beyond the stars with a mouth for an arsehole, an arsehole for a mouth and all manner of tentacles and teeth in odd places. Brundlefly staggers about making pitiful mewling noises, mutely pleading with his girlfriend to just shoot him and get the whole sorry display over with. Meanwhile, the Thing is over the other side of the arena eating huskies and pretending to be the referee. Eventually Brundlefly's missus (Geena Davis) does the decent thing and puts the unfortunate boffin out of his misery. There is an embarrassed silence at Brundlefly's poor effort; even the Thing doesn't know where to put his twelve faces.
ere in our special 'freakish mistake of nature' category. Seth 'Brundlefly' Br
undle is a silly scientist man who accidentally gets his DNA discombobulated and mixed with that of a common housefly, while the Thing is a nightmarish beast from beyond the stars with a mouth for an arsehole, an arsehole for a mouth and all manner of tentacles and teeth in odd places. Brundlefly staggers about making pitiful mewling noises, mutely pleading with his girlfriend to just shoot him and get the whole sorry display over with. Meanwhile, the Thing is over the other side of the arena eating huskies and pretending to be the referee. Eventually Brundlefly's missus (Geena Davis) does the decent thing and puts the unfortunate boffin out of his misery. There is an embarrassed silence at Brundlefly's poor effort; even the Thing doesn't know where to put his twelve faces.Semi Final 1: Leatherface Vs Michael Myers
So, as we h
ead into the semi finals, Leatherface and Myers are busy girding their eeri
e loins for their titanic battle to the death. It's butcher knife versus chainsaw; who's gonna win? Well Myers is, as previously stated, more or less unkillable but Leatherface is frikken' mental. Plus, he's got a lot of energy for such a big bloke. So Myers starts in with his implacable Angel of Death routine, all boiler suit and William Shatner mask, and Leatherface, not being one of Myer's usual victims (i.e. an androgynous teenage girl), just starts sawing. And he don't stop until Myers has been chopped into wet, red, doggy-bag sized chunks, which Leatherface then takes home for his extended family of inbred, cousin-fucking hillbilly retards. Grow that back, you ghost-faced weirdo. And the crowd goes wild!
ead into the semi finals, Leatherface and Myers are busy girding their eeri
e loins for their titanic battle to the death. It's butcher knife versus chainsaw; who's gonna win? Well Myers is, as previously stated, more or less unkillable but Leatherface is frikken' mental. Plus, he's got a lot of energy for such a big bloke. So Myers starts in with his implacable Angel of Death routine, all boiler suit and William Shatner mask, and Leatherface, not being one of Myer's usual victims (i.e. an androgynous teenage girl), just starts sawing. And he don't stop until Myers has been chopped into wet, red, doggy-bag sized chunks, which Leatherface then takes home for his extended family of inbred, cousin-fucking hillbilly retards. Grow that back, you ghost-faced weirdo. And the crowd goes wild!Semi final 2: Pinhead Vs The Thing
Now for our sec
ond semi. Pinhead, wrongheaded bastard that he is, seems eager to t
ake on a creature that has more orifices than anything the Earth has yet managed to produce; the Thing, on the other hand, seems nonplussed. You might even say that his heart's not in it. Movie buffs will be aware that the Thing's great weakness is fire; it turns out that the Thing also has a vulnerability to being sodomised in its many assholes by sentient chains whilst a pasty goth-looking fella looks on, giggling to himself and tweaking his own nipples. The Thing also has a bit of a blind spot when it comes to acid jazz, a style of music that Pinhead can't get enough of. Weirdly.
ond semi. Pinhead, wrongheaded bastard that he is, seems eager to t
ake on a creature that has more orifices than anything the Earth has yet managed to produce; the Thing, on the other hand, seems nonplussed. You might even say that his heart's not in it. Movie buffs will be aware that the Thing's great weakness is fire; it turns out that the Thing also has a vulnerability to being sodomised in its many assholes by sentient chains whilst a pasty goth-looking fella looks on, giggling to himself and tweaking his own nipples. The Thing also has a bit of a blind spot when it comes to acid jazz, a style of music that Pinhead can't get enough of. Weirdly.Grand Final: Pinhead Vs Leatherface
It's time to bre
athe a massive sigh of relief as we finally hit the final. Who will emerge victorious? L
eatherface? Pinhead? At this point does anyone really give a toss? On paper it's Pinhead all the way; he's a fucking Cenobite, for crying out loud, a Satanic demon from Hell's angry nether regions. Leatherface has gumption, but at the end of the day he's just a half-witted bumpkin with two Y chromosomes and a few power tools. Can the plucky underdog win out? In a straight fight... probably not. Luckily for Leatherface, however, the final will be decided over a round of popular children's game Kerplunk. So here we go: Pinhead draws... then Leatherface... Pinhead again... those balls look shaky (you're telling me! Arf!)... Leatherface once more... surely this can't go on?... Pinhead draws... AND THAT'S IT! THE BALLS HAVE DROPPED! THERE'S BALLS EVERYWHERE! THE WHOLE ARENA IS LITERALLY COVERED IN BALLS! PINHEAD LOSES! LEATHERFACE IS VICTORIOUS! HILLBILLIES RULE! GOTHS SUCK!
So there you have it; Leatherface wins. All that remains is for the proud victor to come and collect his winnings (an all-expenses paid afternoon at Butlins, two Toffee Crisps and a gift voucher good for one complimentary hand job from Pip's sister) from Kathy Staff, better known as the woman who plays Nora Batty on TV's Last of the Summer Wine. A handshake, a peck on the cheek, smile for the cameras and... oh, there we go. Yes, that's right. He's raping her.
Happy Halloween!
athe a massive sigh of relief as we finally hit the final. Who will emerge victorious? L
eatherface? Pinhead? At this point does anyone really give a toss? On paper it's Pinhead all the way; he's a fucking Cenobite, for crying out loud, a Satanic demon from Hell's angry nether regions. Leatherface has gumption, but at the end of the day he's just a half-witted bumpkin with two Y chromosomes and a few power tools. Can the plucky underdog win out? In a straight fight... probably not. Luckily for Leatherface, however, the final will be decided over a round of popular children's game Kerplunk. So here we go: Pinhead draws... then Leatherface... Pinhead again... those balls look shaky (you're telling me! Arf!)... Leatherface once more... surely this can't go on?... Pinhead draws... AND THAT'S IT! THE BALLS HAVE DROPPED! THERE'S BALLS EVERYWHERE! THE WHOLE ARENA IS LITERALLY COVERED IN BALLS! PINHEAD LOSES! LEATHERFACE IS VICTORIOUS! HILLBILLIES RULE! GOTHS SUCK!So there you have it; Leatherface wins. All that remains is for the proud victor to come and collect his winnings (an all-expenses paid afternoon at Butlins, two Toffee Crisps and a gift voucher good for one complimentary hand job from Pip's sister) from Kathy Staff, better known as the woman who plays Nora Batty on TV's Last of the Summer Wine. A handshake, a peck on the cheek, smile for the cameras and... oh, there we go. Yes, that's right. He's raping her.
Happy Halloween!
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